Friday, October 5, 2012

For the ladies...like me

I usually write about the adventures and misadventures of being a stranger in a strange land, but something came over me last night (probably a hot flash) and I decided to write instead about feeling like a stranger in a strange body. 

"Well," my doctor said,"you are approaching that certain age. It could be early symptoms of The Change."

"The Change?" I asked. "The Change? That is singular, right? Just one change? I'm talking about changes. Plural. My face is filling out. My mind seems scattered. I went up half a shoe size. I have acne! Acne, for goodness sake. I don't even want to talk about facial hair. AND MY MOOD SWINGS. And yesterday I woke up with a cowlick. At this rate I'm afraid I will be fully changed into an out-of-shape teenage boy by Christmas."

"Rest assured," my doctor tried to assure me. "That is not possible."

"Well what about this: I am pretty sure my brain has started draining. And, this leaked knowledge, this data dump has now settled in my midsection and backside."

"Well, I must admit, that's an interesting theory..."

"And, here's my other thought: if I am going through a change, can I choose what I change into? I don't want to change into doughy, dippy, sleepy, weepy, saggy, baggy, bleepity-bleepy...which, by the way, would be the worst names ever for Santa's reindeer....If I am going to change, can I at least change into a better version of me? Can't you help this caterpillar turn into a butterfly? Bolder. Brighter. Graceful. Good vision. Spreading my wings, climbing higher, sharing joy, sipping sweet nectar. I don't want to be a moth. I want to be a monarch. "

"I don't really have a prescription for that...."

"Well, do you have an app for that? Or, how about a phone booth? Maybe I can simply enter a phone booth as a middle-aged mom and exit as superwoman. Now, that would be a cool change."

"I don't think that is realistic."

"You're right," I agreed. "You're right. My days of wearing the red hot mini skirt are probably long gone."

"I was actually talking about the phone booth. I don't think they even exist anymore."

Well, guess what? I found a telephone booth here in Tokyo. And, it inspired me.


So, The Change take warning. You surprised me with your unsettling symptoms. But, I've decided you aren't the boss of me. You are not even a respected coworker of mine. You are trying to mess with me and my family. You have messed with the wrong mother.

I am going out now to buy myself a pair of superwoman red boots. Size 9. Wide.
I will find them.
It may not be easy, but I am going to find ways to stand up to you and your stampeding syndromes.
And, I will raise up the gold belt in victory, too.

As long as it isn't too heavy, that is.
I've got some toning to do and some calcium to take.

And, yes, I will rock the red boots.



Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Konnichiwa Mina san!

Mina san. 
Mina san. 
Mina san.
Who the heck is Mina san? 

I immediately thought it was happening again.

Aging is happening. I got it. However, it is still embarrassing and awkward to forget someone's name. My instant name retrieval...well, sometimes, it's just not so instant anymore.

A few months ago, I totally blanked on my friend's husband's name. While I was speaking to her. Yeah. Not so good.
"Great! Yeah!" I said to my friend, "I am so excited you can come to the BBQ! Can't wait to catch up with you and...and...and...and..."
Oh my. What's his name?
It's on the tip of my tongue. What is it?
Is it Alvin? No.
Bob? No. Think. Think. Think.
Charles, David, Ed, Frank, Gus, Harry, Iago, Justin, Kaleb, Lamar, Napolean, Olaf, Parker, Quigley, The Name-That-Won't-Be-Named?
No. No. No. No. No. NO!!!

Say something! Well, you got to say something now. Anything. 

"Can't wait to catch up with you...and....and...your Big Daddy-o, your better half, Mr. Beau, Mr. Man Big Guy, Mr. Manly Beach, your ol' Spousey Spouse...Oh, you got to go? OK, see you later. Give my best to El  Capitan..."

And then there was the unexpected mother meet-up in Aisle 2 the other week. Could not recall her name in time.
"So great to see you," I said,  "Oh! You! You Hot Mama You!"

Mina san. 
Mina san. 
Mina san. 
Who the heck is Mina san? 

 I immediately thought it was happening again.

"Mina san, " I said to my Japanese friend. "You said that Mina san can come to your house tonight, right? Mina san?"
"Mina san," she repeated.

Mina san, I said to myself.
Mina san. 
Mina san.
Mina san. 
Think. Think. Think.
Who is this mysterious Mina san? I don't remember a Mina san.

"Do I know Mina san?" I asked.
"Of course," my friend said. "You know everyone." 
"Really?  I know a Mika san, Maya san, Momo san and many Miwa sans..."
"Just a moment...."
"I know Kuniko san, Aiko san, Yuko san and Kiko san..."
"If you just let me explain..."
"I know a Caden, Hayden, Aiden and Jaden. A Kirsten, Kristen and Kyrsten..."
"Now you are just showing off."
"Ed, Ted, Ned and Fred. Nouki, Cookie and Snooki."
"C'mon."
"Laura, Lori, two Leighs and a Mori."
"What did you put in your coffee this morning? If you just slow down..."
"A Gordon, Jordan, Bourden, Riordan. I know Shaquille O'Neal. Captain and Tannille."
"What? Now, I know that you don't know the Captain."
"A Condi, a Bondi, a Cody, a Roti..."
"I know for a fact that two of those names are restaurants...."
"But I have to admit it. I can't remember Mina san. Who's Mina san?"
"I have been trying to explain. Mina san is not a person. Mina san means everyone."

Huh.  What now?
Mina san is not a person named Mina? I did not know that.
Mina san means everyone?
OK, then.
Konnichiwa mina san! 

Well, I may know a lot of Hot Mamas now and my Japanese language skills are clearly terrible, but there is some good news: when needed, I can still rock out the rhymes. 








Friday, April 27, 2012

I married an "O"

(I told a version of this story the other night at my book event and I received so many questions about it after that I thought I would share it again here and include the link to more information....so here it goes...)

If a newcomer to Japan asks me for advice about living here, one of my answers is "you just got to expect the unexpected."

Whether that is a seeing a $300 melon at the grocery store (beware of a piece of fruit with a bow on it! Bow fruit is expensive). Or accidentally falling out of a cab because you don't know the cab doors open automatically. Or not recognizing your own bicycle at the impound center...seriously....who would have guessed that the lost-and-found attendants would not only clean your detained bike, but fix the chain, realign the basket and repair the bell? It looked like a whole new, rejuvenated, youthful bike. So much so, that, although at first you may be frustrated to spend the afternoon going to the impound center, admitting your mistake, paying your fine, and trying to figure out how to bike home; you're now thinking you should deliberately illegally park your bike around town every few months so it can get another awesome "lifestyle lift"...or perhaps even illegally park yourself.

Anyway....another "expect the unexpected" moment can come in form of a question. And, this happened to me a few years ago when one of my husband's coworkers came up to me during a company dinner and asked:

"What's your blood type?"

I was completely caught off guard. 

So, NOW, I know that in Japan, this is actually a common question.  In the Japan culture, many  believe there is a correlation between your blood type and your personality. But, I did not know this. So, again, I was completely caught off guard.

And, I was nervous because this was my first company dinner.

And, I was nervous because I was the only spouse there.

And, I was nervous because I was the boss's wife and did not want to say the wrong thing.

So, as I finished chewing my edamame bean (by the way, edamame beans are not meant to be chewed), I thought about the possible answers to this question.

There are only so many.

The first answer I contemplated was to end the conversation right then and there.
I had no idea if "What's your blood type?" was a nice question or a naughty question, so I thought it might be best just to stop the discussion before it went any further...like asking me about my body mass index or asking about my bone density or asking whether I ever had mononucleosis...So, I thought I would say something like:

“Umm...wait a minute...chotto matte kudasai...do you see the tall foreigner guy over there? Just a reminder...he is your boss and my husband...nixay...eeeaaay....dame on the intimate blood questions...”

The second answer I was contemplating was to offer some motherly advice to this young man....something like:

“I know that I have been out of the dating game a long time, and believe me I am flattered that you have interest in me, but just to let you know that has got to be one of the WORST pick up lines ever...”

The third answer was to simply accept the compliment. Be flattered. C'mon, this was an after-work party afterall, so maybe it would be OK to be fun...
So my answer could be something like....

“Oh my gosh...Wow! You want to know more about me and my blood type? Is this some kind of hemoglobin hunger game or something? Oh, I don’t know.  Maybe I'm A...Maybe I'm B....Hey, do you know what A B A B can spell? ABBA! The band ABBA! Do you know their song Dancing Queen? C'mon now sing it with me....
You can dance
You can jive
Having the time of your life
See that girl
Watch that scene
Dig in the dancing queen
......"

Fortunately, I decided not to go with any of those above options. Instead I cleared my throat (darn  edamame bean) and decided to distract him with my new Japanese language skills.

I thought it would be best to change the subject by talking about the weather.

Now, I rarely talk about the weather in English. In fact, I remember trying to avoid memorizing weather questions and phrases during my Japanese language lessons because I figured I would never ever have a weather conversation.

But, let me tell you, weather is a perfect topic to bring up during awkward conversation moments.

So, when he came up to me and said: "What's your blood type?"

I took a few seconds thinking about my options and answered with a very confident:

"Ii tenki desu ne? Nice weather today, isn't it?"

And then I quickly continued with additional weather observations in beginner Japanese:

"Today the sky is blue. The sky is not black. Today is a nice day. Yesterday was a rainy day. It was not warm. Atatakakunakatta desu." Atatakakunakatta (it wasn't warm) is one of my favorite A words, by the way. 

And, just to make we were off the subject of blood for good,  I brought up my knowledge of the days of the week:
"Ashita wa kayoobi desu.  Tomorrow is Tuesday."

The coworker politely bowed and then turned to my husband and said:
"What’s your blood type?"
To which my husband simply answered: "I'm an O."

And, I was like what? That’s it! All I had to do was answer with a letter? C'mon!

Note to self:  From now on, let your husband answer the questions first. Oh, how I wish I was an "0".








(OK, now you know what to do-or not do-in case someone in Japan asks you about your blood type. And, if you want to check out your blood type & personality traits, check out the chart on Wikipedia: 
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blood_types_in_Japanese_culture)

Cheers!


Monday, March 12, 2012

My Japanese is not perfect yet

Recently, I was attempting Japanese language lessons...again!
One of the phrases I had to memorize was:

Watashi no nihongo wa mada kanpeki janai desu. 
"My Japanese is not perfect yet."

So I started to wonder why? Why is my Japanese not perfect yet?

And, then this happened....

My Japanese teacher asked me to practice reading a menu in Katakana.
I read the word “パスタ" (pa su ta= pasta)
which instantly reminded me
about tonight’s dinner. Pasta. Hmm. That’s a good idea.
which reminded me
that we ate pasta last night. So, instead I should probably get up now to defrost some chicken.
And chicken reminded me of a better idea--buy chicken shishkabobs from the Egyptian shop around the corner
which reminded me
that the lady at the Egyptian shop is usually alone. Hmm. I wonder where her husband is?
which reminded me of my husband and his schedule and my sons and their plans
which reminded me that
I will actually be alone for dinner tonight
which reminded me
that I shouldn't defrost the chicken. I should just buy take out and watch a movie
which reminded me
of one of my favorite movie actors Jason Bateman
who reminded me
of his cancelled American TV show Arrested Development
which reminded me
that this show was only on for three short seasons.
And seasons
reminded me of
seasoning
which reminded me of dinner
which reminded me of pasta
which reminded me
of my Japanese teacher across the table who was now very confused.
I am pretty sure she will contemplate increasing the lesson fee.

And, that is why my Japanese is not perfect yet.


Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Washlet Woes

I just want to apologize to patrons (particularly the lavatory ladies) of an unnamed restaurant in Roppongi.

I am really sorry.

It is really difficult to admit this....recently, when I was out at an unnamed restaurant in Roppongi, I just couldn't figure out how to flush.

I am so sorry. 

Just to be clear, I am no Japanese washlet rookie. On the contrary, over the years in Tokyo I have become quite the expert. I have successfully waved, stomped, and experienced a somewhat impatient auto-flush. I have triumphantly pulled levers, pushed buttons, and yanked chains.
Who controls the control panel? Oh yeah, this lady does!

But, this time, I was completely baffled. I was way out of my league.  I was in serious trouble.

Honestly, please believe me, I did everything I could think of.  I inspected the panel. I felt around the tank. I examined the stall from floor to ceiling for buttons or infrared sensors or some kind of sign. Any kind of sign.

So, I did what I thought was best.

I found a marker in my bag, wrote "SUMIMASEN" ("excuse me; sorry") across a long strip of toilet tissue and then wrapped it around the commode like it was a crime scene.

Then, I briskly walked out of the rest room.
And, headed immediately for the check out line.

While I was waiting to pay, I heard some women chatting in the back of the line.
One of them said, "One of the ladies in this restaurant has very impressive handwriting."

"Yeah," said her friend, "And, apparently, quite an insatiable appetite for asparagus."

I am not sure exactly if they were referring to me; I will not confirm nor deny. However,  I will accept the penmanship compliment.

I hope this never happens to me again.

And, I also hope for a new smartphone app that can help me be less dumb.

I am hoping for a remote flush device.

And, in the meantime, I promise to cut back on a certain green vegetable.