“So,” the young woman asked me, “are
you or are you not?”
I do not like these awkward situations.
I never know what to say.
Just the other week, I had a similar
experience at a friend’s dinner party.
As soon I walked into the living room,
I did a quick scan. When I realized I did not know anyone, I immediately
shifted to Dinner Party Plan B and quickly headed over to the appetizer
table. “Well, hello, there old
friend,” I said to the platter of Seven-Layer Dip. “We meet again.”
“Oh, hello,” the woman next to me said.
“Actually, I don’t think we’ve met. And, if you don’t mind me saying, I think
we may be about the same age.”
Darn it. I really should remember not
to greet my favorite appetizers so enthusiastically and so loudly. Sometimes I
can’t help myself. This mama loves her fresh guacamole.
“Wait a minute!” the woman said to me
after I introduced myself. “I know your name. Wait! Wait! Are you the one who
wrote that book?”
“Well, actually…I did write a book…”
“Honey!” the woman tugged the elbow of
a tall man standing near us. “Do you know who this is? She is the author of
that book.”
“What book?” He asked as he looked at
me and my heaping plate of dip.
“That book, Honey,” she said as she
winked at him. “You know what book I am talking about. That book.”
And, just when I was thinking the
moment could not get even more awkward, it did.
“You know, Honey, that book that you
always read on the toilet.”
There it is.
Up to this point I had been looking at
and speaking only to the wife. But now, I knew what had to happen: I would have
to turn and face the husband. I had never met him before, but I knew I liked
him. I liked that he was a reader, I liked that he was also a fan of the dip. Honestly,
I was just not such a big fan of learning about his toilet habits.
Say something!
Do something!
What do I do?
I turned my head to the husband and
nodded.
“Oh that book!” he said. “She’s right.
I do. I do read your book while on the toilet.”
“You should definitely take that as a
compliment,” the wife told me.
“Of course, I do. I do. Most def. I
will. Of course. It is. Wow! Have you tried this guacamole? Yum. Nummers.”
Nummers? What the heck is happening to
me? What am I saying?
“Actually,” the husband said in a more
serious tone. “I am really happy to meet you. This is a treat.”
Thank goodness. Awkward scene is
finally over. The Director has yelled “cut!” Take two.
“Thank you,” I said. “I really
appreciate that. That is nice of you to say. Thank you very much.”
“Actually,” the husband continued, “I
have a question for you.”
“OK,” I said.
“I am lactose-intolerant and I kind of overdid
it with this Seven Layer Dip. The cheese is not
sitting well with me. You know what I mean? So, did you happen to bring any
copies of your book with you?”
I do not like awkward situations. I
never know what to say.
“So,” the young woman asked me again. “Are
you? Or aren’t you?”
“Sorry,” I said. “Not sure I understood your question. Am I what?”
The young woman leaned closer to me and
quietly asked. “Are you the author of the book Getting Kinky in Japan?”
“What did you say to her?” My husband
asked me later that night as I told him about my book event.
“Well, you know how much I like meeting
new people and hearing their stories. She sounded so interesting and I did not
want to lose a customer. So I told her yes.
I told her that yes, in fact, when it comes to Mothers Who Get Things Done - I
am the one. I get it all done. I get genki. I get cranky. When I have a cold, I
get a hanky. I get kinky. I get stinky. Sometimes when I use a pen, I get
inky.”
“What did you really say?” My husband
knows me too well.
“I told her that right now, I get
groceries, I get the bills paid on time, and I am getting too good at falling
asleep while sitting up watching television. Regarding getting kinky, I told
her to check back in four years after the kids move out.”
