You Have Arrived At Your Destination

"What did she say?" my friend Muffin (*name changed to protect the newly licensed) asked me in a slightly panicked voice.

"She said 'You have arrived at your destination,'" I hesitantly repeated to my friend.

My friend and I looked around. This was not our destination. Not at all. Nothing looked familiar. Not the buildings. Not the side streets. Not the Hiragana (well, actually, the Hiragana could be the same. I haven't learned how to read it yet.) By car, the trip from our apartment complex to our downtown appointment should have taken 20 minutes. A very easy 20 minutes. At this point, we have been driving around Tokyo for almost two hours.

I looked outside the car window. "I can't even see Tokyo Tower," I said to my friend. The Tokyo Tower is 333 meters tall. An extremely handy landmark. Where are we?

We both looked at the car's GPS Navigation System. "C'mon Beverly," I said. "Don't give up on us. I know it has been a trying trip for you. I know we didn't follow your directions exactly. I know we asked you to recalculate the route several times....but please, Bev, please, show us the way." (About 45 minutes into our adventure, my friend and I decided to name the navigation voice "Beverly." We had actually hoped it would turn our luck around. In our experience, Beverly's are always kind, courteous, reliable, patient and extremely helpful. )

"What do you say, Bev?" my friend asked as we both stared at the screen---hoping to see the "recalculating route" message once more.

"You have arrived at your destination," Beverly flatly repeated.

"Wow, Beverly, " I said. "For having such a sweet-sounding voice, you've got a stone-cold heart."

Due to this driving experience, I have suggestions for a new kind of navigation system-one that's specifically designed for those new to the city, new to driving or, well, just knuckleheads.

1. As soon as the foot hits the pedal and the seat adjusted, the system should be able to identify its driver. "Oh, hello, Muffin. I knew it was you. Giving driving another go, are we? Very well. My calculation determines 90% change of getting lost. Please take the next right. First stop is the Petrol station. This could be a very long day."

2. If the system has had to recalculate the route 10 times, it will automatically acknowledge the real-time tension in the car and offer an easier route. "System senses high frustration level. Committee meeting route aborted. Coffee shop route initiated. Grand size latte with a spot of sugar recommended. Take the left in 100 meters. Your order has been called in."

3. If the GPS has had to recalculate the route over 10 times, it will immediately kick in to emergency gear. "Take your hands of the wheel. Take your hands off the wheel now. Emergency measures initiated. Soothing music will commence immediately. Seats will begin massaging neck and back quadrants to alleviate tension. Auto pilot on. Destination: nearest Spa. Team notified and at the ready. Dinner reservations also made. After such a stressful outing, you deserve to go out tonight. But, please, for goodness sake, listen to Beverly: take the train."